The Tea Party’s Fatal Flaw: SemiMottoism

All recent reports make clear the inevitable demise of one of the most entertaining American political movements of our time.  In my opinion, the Tea Party fell victim to it’s fatal flaw: When it came to stating their shared ideals, they could only agree on half of each sentence.  Members could easily agree with “Get your hands off my” or “is gonna kill us all!”  but try completing those sentences or getting consensus on whether Obama’s picture should be given a Hitler mustache or a Mao chin-mole, and suddenly the party splinters into seemingly infinite sects.  A splinter is an apt metaphor here because, much like a tiny, painful shard of wood, the Tea Party is an unwelcome and irritating guest under the skin of anyone who tries to touch the surface of its core beliefs.

The splintery Tea Party sub-groups, as I can discern them, include:

• Constitutionalists who never spoke up when Bush suspended Habeus Corpus, but have now awakened to call middle-class tax cuts tyrannical (the “selective hibernationists”)
• Anti-health-care-reform/pro-Medicare Tea Party Seniors (the “Have Your Cake And Eat It Through A Tube” contingent)
• and my favorite, those who are anti-abortion and also happen to believe Obama was born on an airplane between Kenya and Hawaii (shall we call them “Partial Birthers”?)

I believe this inability to unite around fundamental issues is why the Tea Party cannot maintain whatever integrity it had as a movement.  Oh, that and the fact that their most agreed-upon views align far more closely with King George than they do with the Sons Of Liberty who threw that original Tea Party in 1773.

When the Tea Parties have all ended, I don’t worry about members finding new activities to keep themselves busy.  The real victims here?  Lipton, Bigelow, Yogi, and the hundreds of other makers of fine teas and herbal brews which have only ever wanted the best for this country.  May we swiftly return to a time when the mention of a tea bag conjures only thoughts of delicious beverages and oral/scrotal interaction.

Bobby McFerrin Stabs 10 Millionth Person To Tell Him Not To Worry

Since he has not yet been convicted, I’ll ask that you mentally insert the word “allegedly” into all references to McFerrin’s actions, but I saw the security video while it was still on YouTube, so count me out of the impartial jury pool.  In fact, if anyone reading this does become a juror on his case, consider this: Why was McFerrin carrying a hunting knife to a Manhattan dry cleaners?  He admits he was expecting to hit the 10 million mark soon, which makes this seem very pre-meditated to me, even if he didn’t know who would be the next person to quote his 1988 song to him.

McFerrin told police that the clerk was taking a long time to find his suit.  When the (apparently highly strung) singer began to suspect it was no longer in the shop, the clerk said “Don’t worry.”  In the video tape, you can read the man’s lips, and I don’t even think he was going to continue to say “Be happy” as McFerrin alleges.  Either way, he didn’t have time, as McFerrin drew his knife and stabbed the man’s hand–pinning it to the counter.

I hope the clerk is able to retire off of his law suit winnings, and that McFerrin’s cellmates enjoy the echoed pops, clicks, and chest thumps of his undoubtedly upcoming rendition of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.”

Emergency Social Networking: A Cross Between Facebook And Dialing 911

I would like to apologize to everyone who attempted to seek emergency assistance via my now-failed internet business, www.PleaseHelpMyEmergencyRightNow.com.

It turns out that signing up for a social networking account is the last thing a person wants to do when they’ve been injured or have just witnessed a horrible incident.  I guess I imagined people would sign up while everything was okay, or maybe just as things were starting to look a little dangerous, but I see now how unrealistic that was.  Also, the unpredictable nature of emergency situations would have required that I monitor the site 24/7 in order to help when help was most needed, rather than “within 1-72 hours” as was our ill-conceived policy.

I know it doesn’t catch your car-jacker (NickStranded) or sew your hand back on (bleeder27), but all I can offer is my sincere apology and my promise that I’m leaving the emergency assistance business for good.  I intend to focus my work here on this blog, and spend only small amounts of time building my new site, www.OnlineBabyDelivery.com.